****To: The Council of Negro Elders, Midwest Division
From: Chauncey DeVega, field operative
Re: Operation Crabs in a Barrel and a Profile of the Principals and Targets
My first report provided some details on Operation Crabs in a Barrel and our finding that Reverend Wright was likely replaced by a duplicate. This first report also outlined my hypothesis that Reverend Wright's personality consists of three very dangerous memory engrams. What follows is a detailed analysis of the powers and abilities possessed by the Reverend Wright doppelganger, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and some adversarial scenarios. Although Hillary was defeated in North Carolina, her victory in Indiana has spurred her to continue the race. Again, we do not completely know what the greater strategic goal of the Greater Opposition Party (GOP) is in this case, nor how Operation Crabs in a Barrel fits into their plans for domination. Hillary's victory, and Rush Limbaugh's support for her campaign, may be part of Operation Crabs in a Barrel or it may be a diversionary operation--field operatives should take note of this possibility as they allocate their resources.
Profile and Analysis: Reverend Wright Doppelganger
Powers and Abilities: Many of his powers remain unknown because of how the Mr. T, Thor, and Black Minstrel personality types may react with one another. Known abilities include: prophetic speech; mental dexterity; righteous anger; momentary superhuman strength; the ability to generate empathy and support via his emotive faces; hand to hand combat training (from his Marine background); laying of hands and tongue speaking (to confuse and disable opponents); spontaneous marching band mind control (this is particularly dangerous as the Wright doppelganger can control the movement of targets); and the "God damn America!" chant which causes targets to engage in uncontrolled fits of speech. Wright also possesses the "pain" power from the Mr. T engram.
Known Weaknesses: Highly sensitive to criticism; an inability to control his many powers; a fear of airplanes and flying (from the Mr. T engram); chaotic timing (his powers often do not work as intended nor against the correct target); black rage (the flip side of righteous anger); and a desire to sleep with other people's wives (as revealed by the Telegraph newspaper from the U.K.)
Profile and Analysis: Barack Obama
Powers and Abilities: Obama is still learning about and perfecting his powers. Therefore, new abilities may appear when he is under attack. To date, Obama has shown evidence of the following powers and abilities: mental dexterity; powerful oration; the "change" and "hope" powers (audience members and young people--in particular women--will follow his lead and be temporarily enchanted and mesmerized by his speech and presence); the ability to throw fireballs and lay hands (which incapacitates his opponents) ; irresistible momentum; double consciousness; the power of Obama Girl; resistance to attacks from the undead and the elderly; endurance and healing factor (to resist attacks by opponents).
Known Weaknesses: Too trusting of friends and "allies"; vulnerable to attacks from the white working class and poor white trash; "elitism" and intelligence make him unable to understand "illogical" attacks and posturing from his enemies; experiences power drain in certain geographic areas, i.e. Pennsytucky and the Rust Belt (it could be the minerals in the ground or how the air in these regions filters the sunlight).
Profile and Analysis: Hillary Clinton
Powers and Abilities: Hillary is a dangerous and powerful foe--we do not yet know if she is working with the Greater Opposition Party against Obama in an alliance of convenience, or if she is operating alone. Be warned, she has perfected her abilities through decades of practice. Known powers include: unlimited resources and money; feminist rage and white female entitlement (this gives her instant control over women in the National Organization of Women and self-described feminists); steel determination and iron will; the ability to control the elderly and undead (as seen in her victories in Indiana and Pennsylvania); down home folksiness and working class hero transformation (this power gives her great influence, although not absolute control over white people with High School educations or less); and force lightening (she channels the dark side of the Force).
Known Weaknesses: Bill Clinton distraction (he is a random element that works both for and against his wife's interests); two-faced (her real intentions appear at inconvenient moments and against her will); feminists of color (she has no control over them and finds these women very upsetting); female victimhood (this makes her powers fluctuate over time and distracts her concentration); myopia and tunnel vision (once focused on a goal she is unable to shift attention or respond appropriately to new threats).
Threat Matrix and Conclusion: In battle, these three combatants will likely destroy each other. Our intelligence analysts are hinting that this may be the actual goal of the Wright doppelganger and Operation Crabs in a Barrel: to create a situation where Obama and Clinton either annihilate one another and/or following combat are too weak to continue forward. This is a version of the "two men enter, one man leaves strategy" as advocated by Tina Turner). Ultimately, our intelligence analysts have concluded that the only victor in this battle is --
Profile and Analysis: John McCain
Powers and Abilities: McCain is one of the most dangerous foes we have ever faced. Throughout his life he has demonstrated an uncanny ability to survive peril and death--often through sheer will-power and a commitment to his own personal code of honor. Personal combat with McCain should not be initiated by a field agent. Moreover, victory over McCain will require the assistance of multiple agents working in concert with the support of the American people. Known powers include: Lazarus energy (he resurrects himself upon death); intelligence and cunning; power drain (he demonstrated this when he unexpectedly hugged President Bush and inhaled Bush's life energy); unlimited resources; extreme strength and will-power; the army of Independents (willing to follow his lead and die on command); adamantium skeleton; crushing anger and wrath (he draws on his anger from his imprisonment some decades ago in order to project a crushing force-field); inevitability; and stealth (he is capable of great patience and of waiting for the exact moment to strike--thus making himself almost invisible). His most powerful ability is the Mumm-Ra transformation where he becomes extremely powerful and almost indestructible:
Known Weaknesses: Vulnerable to swift boat style attacks; Reverend Hagee's presence or the mere mention of his name temporarily saps McCain's powers; the power he draws from older voters weakens over time as they die off and are replaced by younger voters; beholden to radical elements in the Greater Opposition Party who may question his abilities or betray him at the last moment; and a code of honor (this empowers him, but may also limit his actions).
Conclusion and Recommendations: We need to continue to observe all the players in this scenario. As the campaign continues, I will update the council on Operation Crabs in a Barrel. I predict that the true intentions of the GOP will become immediately clear in the short-term. I am worried however, that in November, Obama will be so weakened that a McCain victory may well be a certainty. As always, we are planning vigorously for that contingency. I ultimately suggest that all field agents should be given maximum authority to act in whatever ways they deem necessary in order to prevent a McCain victory.